Would you read a story like this, even though it contains vampires?

OK SO THIS IS NOT A TWILIGHT RELATED OR IN ANYWAY INSPIRED STORY!!!


sorry just thought i would start off by saying that because it seems everywhere i look if you even mention the word vampire people attack you as a writer saying that you are not creative, original or in anyway going anywhere in the writer industry.


so back to the story, i had imagined this young, poor, diamond in the rust kind of girl who is homeless after running away from home where her father would abuse her and is struggling to stay alive as she is completely alone in this cruel world. she dreams of someday going back to school and finishing with a diploma like her mother had wanted before she died in a tragic car accident three years ago before this poor poor girl, Nisi, turned fourteen. (her mother only graduated junior high as well and worked hard to try and help her daughter make her way up to high school so she could gain all the opportunities she had lost out on by not graduating with a high school diploma)


Sorry if this is confusing, please stay with me and try to keep up!


Back to the story, her girl would day after it rains hard is visited by a creepy mysterious middle aged man who tells her for a small fee he will give her a whole new life, everythig she could ever dream of, and obviously she replies yes a thousand times yes, but i have no money. this is where she is attack, the man drinking her body and then as she passes out carries her away to his limo where Nisi is only slightly conscious as she remembers seeing red and black dots everywhere, the odd smell of rust(blood) and the gray outside world moving by her through a window. she passes out and wakes to find herself in a five star hotel suite in like the worlds' softest comfiest bed, shes cleaned up and has got new clothes on and her hair has been washed, combed and braided to keep from snarling(her hair is long and very curly dark red) the man comes in and tells her that every week for a small bit of her delicious blood he will give her all this and more until the day she dies and never havign such a priviledged life before she accepts and soon becomes one of the worlds most famous models. she becomes sick quite often though and so the old man, Mr.Woods, his son takes care of her in her ill states and soon they create a deep connection, confessing to her he too is a vampire but is nothing like his father. Nisi notices how horrible he hateshis father and soon discovers why as Mr.Woods son Stephen, wakes her in the middle of a very stormy night, stuff a few essential things of her belongings in a suite case and pulls her out of bed, tellign her to trust him, not say a word and whatever happens if he says run that she runs. she nods and promises to him her word on this. after escaping into a cab and driving off Stephen explans that his father had planned all along to get as strong form her young blood as possible but because she was so sick often times, the blood became weak as did Mr.Woods by drinking it and so he has to kill her now that she knows of the secrets of vampires. Stephen, secretly loving her but Nisi being painfuly blind to his obvious feelings for her, wants to save Nisi even if it means killinghis father...





Ok so i dont want to give away the ending so could you please give me all you comments, that is unless you are just going to say write soemthing else the vampire market is way too flooded because i know this so stating the obvious is not helpful.


Thank you!|||dont let rude people deter you from writing what you want to write about. ever.


to be a serious writer, you have to know that there are always going to be critics out there. im getting really peeved at the fact that any time a book is about vampires now, people start freaking out... like a major panic. really, people?


as long as your story is unique and well-written it shouldn't matter to anyone that it's about vampires. you know, stephenie meyer wasnt the FIRST PERSON to write about vampires, and people never thought the subject off limits before the whole twilight craze, so there's your proof that the whole thing is ridiculously blown out of proportion.


and people, dont answer the question if you're not serious about answering the question. it's two points, whoop whoop! no. if you dont like that its not indented, then navigate away from the page and go happily answer someone else's question. grr...


okay, im done ranting now... sorry! you're story sounds very interesting. i like the idea a lot.


hope i could help and good luck with your writing!


lbee





edit: it's organize... not orginise|||No.





Do you expect me to read that without any paragraph indents and barely any proper grammar throughout? Yeah, no thank you.|||The twilight crap has ruined it for us serious writers!!!


Anyway, I think It's great!


I'd read the whole thing.


Maybe a whole book instead of a short story?|||Sounds original. Butorginiseyourthoughts! Okay? I couldnot read it.|||It sounds interesting, I would probably read it.


:D|||good god, just glancing at that wall of text gave me a headache.|||tweak it some more and make it your own.|||Emphatically, no. "Vampire" fiction, and the pun is certainly intentional, sucks. Though there will be a constant (though typically more limited than at present) market for it, it's currently in vogue thanks to a truly awful series of books and an even more insipid series of movies. (Sorry, Twi-hards! Ann Rice wrote better stuff, and even she is barely readable.) It isn't so much that the market is flooded; it's that it was never that good to begin with. (Though the market most certainly is.) I'll grant the genre Bram Stoker - not as bad as his suck-(when a pun works, it just works)-essors were/are.





I agree with the above poster - the grammar, spelling, and most notably punctuation or lack thereof, are terrible. Also, it's "diamond in the rough," not rust, unless you are going for a Joan Baez reference but that aside, even the cliches are bad. (Although that may in fact be a tautology.)|||i'm a writer too and i completely agree about the whole vampire thing it's like all people can think about is twilight can be the only vampire book and mostly its just girl cause they like robert pattison but anyway your story sounds wickedly awesome(thts my phrase i use 24-7.lol)anyway i'd so read it message me if you want to talk about stories or sumtin goodluck:)|||Okay, firstly, I LOVE vampire stories, especially vamp romance - I love romance first and foremost. Secondly, I like the idea of your story and would read it if it's well written and as interesting as it sounds. I'm writing a vampire story with a completely different concept (duh, huh?), so I know all the people who just want to rant about how much they hate vampires without even reading or answering your question. Funny thing is, nearly everyone who has read the concept of my novel or who has read pieces of it really liked it. Of course, if you need a beta reader, hit me up, haha.





Anyway, I like the idea of her becoming a model. Personally, I dont' like models, but going by who you're making the character out be, being rich and famous fulfills her dreams, so I see why she becomes a model, and this isn't unimportant to the novel - this shows who the character is and is a part of your character's development. My female character is rich and just wants to live off her father's money and party with other rich kids, haha, and, yes, this is very important in the novel and plays a role in my character's growth. I'm just glad that you don't have a cliche setting of your characters being high school.





@ Viv - you can't really tell the holes in a story until you've read the complete thing. You're not going to get all the details you need in a summary. Believe me, I've had people say the same thing after reading a summary of my story - "how could X happen if Y happened" "why should so and so do this instead of this" "why is this happening when it's logical that this would happen?" the only thing I can tell them is that they don't know the full story and I've already planned for those things and they'll see there's a very logical explanation once they understand my characters and the world I created. I'm also confused VIV, have you read her work in another question? You mention that she needs to develop her characters and use proper grammar, and this is just a summary(!). Believe me, my summaries are terribly written compared to my actual writing.





I do agree that with VIV that there's too much unnecessary information that's polluting what your story is really about. Try to condense it to just the facts without any of the small, insignificant details and this will make it easier to read, for instance, the part in parenthesis makes it more confusing and this information, IMO, is unimportant to the summary. It might be important to the story because it shows us Nisi's character, but it's unimportant in a summary. And, break up your paragraphs, because that BIG block of text is intimidating and you're turning some people off before they've had a chance to read it.





@ Prop Forward - opinions are like butts - everyone has one. You'll be hard-pressed to find someone who likes EVERY (sub) genre, including the ones you like, so what's your point in responding? I hate horror, but you don't see me complaining about it in someone's question about their horror novel.





GL.|||There are too many holes in your story.





Firstly, why would an old vampire bother to offer money to a mere human? He is a lethal weapon. His body is designed to overpower any human being. He would logically abduct her, knock her unconscious, and lock her up. He would not offer her money and then tell her that he will help her live in such a luxurious fashion. Your implying this evil vampire has a heart. Why should he even bother doing such things for her if he intends to kill her in the end anyways? It doesn't make sense.





Secondly, a person cannot be 'passed out' and conscious at the same time. You'll need to choose one. As your contradicting yourself. Is there any NEED for her to be conscious except to smell the blood? No. Its unnecessary information. I'm pointing this out because there are a lot of unnecessary information in your story. Most of doesn't need to be there, or is just fillers.





Thirdly, why does she become a famous model? Is it part of the story in any way? I don't see the sense of her becoming a famous model whilst under the evil hands of a killer vampire. Plus, why would he even allow her to be seen in public, or be outside? That implies freedom. She is not free, correct? He wouldn't want the media to have any attention towards her because she is abducted, right? She ran away from home from an abusive father. How can you not say her father wouldn't draw attention to the media? There are many loopholes. Too many unnecessary information.





I'm not going to state all the loopholes I saw - as I wont have enough writing space. I know this may sound like harsh criticism - its not my intentions as I just want you to realise that you need to properly plan your storyline. No loopholes, delete unnecessary information, develop your characters, and correct grammar.





I think the story has potential. I like the idea of a homeless protagonist than meeting vampires. Just be more realistic. I also like the main character's name. Its very unusual, and original.





Vampires are still readable. S.Meyer hasn't completely destroyed them yet. Just don't make your vampires sparkle, HAHA. You'll be fine.





Good luck on your story.