What do you think of this?

I've written this part and I just can't put my finger on what's wrong with it. I'm leaning towards rewriting it, but I want to know if I have to or not.

Please, I'd appreciate critique and your opinions.

I'm 13 by the way.



The light had transformed the market into flaked gold and sprinkled it with jewels, but it only fell dully on the old inn. Its wood was greying and worn by the dust billowing around it like hornets around a nest. Through the heat waves it almost seemed to wither with pain against the light, as if every ray was a knife.

Helldrid approached it reluctantly, keeping a hard grip on her arm as he always did when he was nervous and knocked at the huge dark door. 鈥榃ho鈥檚 there!鈥?cried an old man peering through the slit in the door.

The old man looked at him like a vulture that had been shooed away from its meal, 鈥榃hat does a Felldrom want 鈥榚re!鈥?br>
Helldrid coughed, trying to pluck up his courage, 鈥榃e have business,鈥?he said, trying to sound composed, 鈥榓nd wish to have a short drink鈥?鈥?

His last word trembled as the old man gave him a glare. 鈥楤usiness? What kind of business?鈥?br>
His suspicious glance made Lilian鈥檚 stomach churn. 鈥榃ith a Gypsy, she said she鈥檇 talk to us here.鈥?br>
The old man sighed and unbolted the door, 鈥楢lright, alright come in you brats.鈥?br>
Helldrid gave Lilian a look of relief and stepped into the gloom of the hallway.

At first it was pure darkness. The light outside had dazzled her eyes and they took time to adjust to the dimness.

Lilian stumbled down a flights of stairs almost burrowed into the floor. Helldrid held her shoulder in protest, but she shook it off. She wasn鈥檛 afraid anymore; it was as if the weight of her responsibility kept the fear of death pinned down.



The light could barely pierce the gloom as the air became thick and musty and she slipped over nearly every step.



Lilian pulled Helldrid across the floor towards where a warm glow reached around a corner. It burnt through the moistness of the tunnel and shimmered against the wet walls. The inn room looked almost ablaze compared to bleak hall they had come from. A huge stone fireplace turned the men at the tables into bloody figures, already red from too much of the drink. They glared at Helldrid and uttered curses to their mates when he stepped in. The walls were adorned with heads of hideous animals, twisted in death. The walls themselves looked like the animals had dragged their claws down them.



(Sorry if the last two paragraphs are a little strange. I had to remove a few parts that you wouldn't understand, since its a part of the plot.)What do you think of this?
Personally, I thought there were too manysimiless. Keep them down to one or two good ones.

dmv hours