A really, really, really rough draft of an introduction to my short story?

So, this is basically what I'm doing: I'm taking this song, Breakeven by The Script (see below for the link), and I'm making a short story out of it. My idea is to describe two people and their journeys together over the course of a year. So, it'll show the progression of their relations (friendship to relationship to... you'll have to wait and see), but it'll be choppy and divided by months. I've written a little bit so far and I'm looking for opinions. Keep in mind that I'm testing out a different writing strategy: I'm writing as simply as possible (no pretty words, no metaphors, etc.) so the storyline has to support itself.



(Title) Pieces (or something along those lines)



One year. Just one year.



Twelve months.



We met in April. Ask me the date, I’ll tell you I forgot, but it’s just a lie. I remember the day, I remember the weather, I remember the time, but most of all, I remember you.



A business trip for my father’s company sent me to Massachusetts that March. “Marketing,” he said, “I want you to develop a stronger marketing strategy on the east coast.” With that, the next plane ticket for a seven o’clock flight to Boston and everything I own packed into a 28″x21″ suitcase; I was off to fulfill my father’s wishes.



Late nights on my laptop, early meetings with corporate officials and, if you were lucky, a five minute break for lunch was the life I knew for six weeks. It was after those weeks, however, that my work in city known for its tea parties— my poor humor at its best —was complete and I would be returning to Southport.



It was a Friday morning. April 9th to be exact. I shuffled through my wallet, retrieved my ticket and handed it to the woman at the plane’s entrance. She was a plump woman. Mid-sixties, maybe early-seventies. Frail hair with streaks of blonde from her youth, gray from her stress and white from her age. She had a crooked smile, the perfect match for lazy eyes. To some, she’s a committed stewardess, but looking back at it now, she’s just another puzzle piece.



(That's just the introduction and the beginning of the actual story, but I've written my final line, so that's the next part).



Sometimes I laugh away the pain, but other times, I cry. This time, I cry. (End).



So, what do you think? All comments, revisions and suggestions are welcomed. Thanks! :)



P.S. The link to the song if you're interested:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dsfNLkwVy…A really, really, really rough draft of an introduction to my short story?
You know what I find impressive is that the song is about falling to pieces, heart breaking because she's moving on etc. I didn't recognize the song title and band at first, so I read your story and thought, ok I'll find some song about a trip on a plane and an old stewardess, but nothing like it in the lyrics, and I'm actually really impressed! Where did all of this come from? I like this song also. I listen to this radio station here in CT that plays alot of pop stuff and I hear that song every day at work on my mp3 radio.



You know real authors take their time and develop an environment, a character, and some people might see it as nonsensical or slow or pointless, but you have the beginnings of an interesting story here. You don't use big words, and that's ok. You go into details with your imagination (whether it's from your life or completely made up) you describe it well. Very mature writing. Most teens write about giggles and flirting at school, you're writing about life as a son or daughter going on a business trip to help out your father.



The intro is a romantic teaser so we know there will be a fateful meeting of sorts. I think the most successful authors are the ones that write about what they've experienced, and use their experiences to fuel the passion in their writing. I think you have alot of potential to do just that. I think that ending line is something you feel, and you want to build your story around that line and the song.



I couldn't possibly suggest anything different, I would have to see more or discuss your whole vision or plan to really give any suggestions. So far it seems to be developing very nicely!



Hope this helps ;) heheA really, really, really rough draft of an introduction to my short story?
Its great!!! I love it! But I think you need to slow it down a little, your kind of rushing through it. But other than that I loved it!A really, really, really rough draft of an introduction to my short story?
I think its awesome!!! Im just not really sure what its about, i have a general idea but ss long as you explain soon im fine. I think the detail is good and the kind of brushed off thing it kinda reminds me of the movie elizabethtown with orlando bloom and kirsten dunst. Check it out if you need any more ideas.





Hope this helps :D