Is this a good portion to my story? BTW: It's the beginning maybe.?

Busy pedestrians bustled throughout the sidewalks, umbrellas pointing toward the austere sky. Dirty garbage, soaked paper, and candy wrappers showed a sign of filthiness that 1920's New York offers. Every few blocks if you peek into an alleyway, you may see someone being mugged, tortured, maybe killed. Most likely the mob. Little signs in peoples yards that read, "Vote for Coolidge, or Calvin!" The election was coming forth and my mind still pondered who to vote for. Warren Harding had been a fine president, but I somewhat felt for a new one. My brown suit and matching hat were being pelted with small bullets of rain, due to my lack of an umbrella. Automobiles honked their horns and splashed water on nearby passersby. My wing-tips squeaked against the wet cement. I wiped the fog and water off my spectacle lenses. A grey blanket suffocated the once-blue sky, engulfing Brooklyn with dullness. Graffiti decorated many brick buildings like; Restaurants, markets, bakeries and other profiting places. A roll of thunder boomed across the sky, sending sound waves into everyone's ears,quite immediately followed a flash of lightning. My walk turned into a jog, tucking my pouch under my arm, hurriedly making my way back to my apartment. I came to the door and swung it open quickly. I managed to make a lot of racket, causing others to stare at me as I stomped over the rubber-covered steps. I made an abrupt stop at number 72 and shoved the key through the slot. My pouch flew through the air as I slung it across the room. I slapped my back against the couch, and prepared for a long awaited rest.





BTW: I am only twelve. I didn't put paragraphs because I simply didn't want to so just tell me your honest opinion and you may get an easy 10 points.|||Hmmm, you're a good writer for a twelve year old :D





Well, it's a bit wordy. You can cut some stuff out, and sent the same message across. For example, "A roll of thunder boomed across the sky, [take out the sending sound waves into everyone's ears], [take out the quite] immediately followed [change a into by] by a flash of lightning.





So it'd just be "A roll of thunder boomed across the sky, immediately followed by a flash of lightning."





It's good enough :)





When your paragraphs get really wordy, it tends to plummet the quality of your writing. Which is really good, by the way :) ahah.





Good luck!|||i didn't read it all because, well, i don't have time! but what i can see is you use very good descriptions and its a very good start! hope you have fun writing the rest!